Insights into emotional management

The essence of emotional management is never to "eliminate emotions", but to learn to be "shared roommates" with emotions - you don't need to force the other person to live according to your habits, and you don't need to completely disrupt your own rhythm to accommodate the other person. Just find a boundary that is comfortable for both of you.

I worked as an Internet e-commerce operator for the past two years. I slept less than 8 hours in total in the three days before the Double Eleven promotion. When I was staring at the backend data, I suddenly discovered that my subordinates had misconfigured the threshold for using discount coupons. 200 minus 50 was written as 20 minus 50. At that time, the blood rushed to the top of my head and my fists clenched. Just a few days ago, I read about an emotion management blogger who said, "When you are angry, take a deep breath for 30 seconds and don't say hurtful words." I gritted my teeth and held it in for half a minute. I waved my hand to my subordinates to quickly change the rules, then turned around and returned to the office. I had stomach pains until 2 a.m. that night, and I drank three cups of Weishu Shu to relieve the pain. At that time, I thought it was because I didn't practice enough, but later I realized that what I was doing was not emotional management at all, but emotional suppression.

Later, I read a lot of academic research and tried several popular methodologies on the market, only to find that the differences between people on emotion management are greater than I imagined. The core of the cognitive behavioral school (CBT) is that "emotions come from your perception of the event, not the event itself." For example, if you are criticized by your boss and you feel that "the boss is targeting me and I will be fired soon," you will naturally collapse. However, if you interpret it as "the boss is just discussing the matter and the modification suggestions just make up for my shortcomings," your emotions will soon calm down. I have been using this method for a while, and it is particularly useful for the kind of internal rumination afterward. For example, sometimes I lie in bed after get off work and wonder if I said the wrong thing in the meeting during the day. I use cognitive detachment techniques to peel away the thought of "did I mess up?" and I can fall asleep quickly. But it also has drawbacks—the cerebral cortex can’t move at all during the few seconds when your emotions come up. When your hands and feet are numb with anger, you can’t calm down and sort out “Is my perception unreasonable?”

The solution of the mindfulness school just fills this gap. It does not require you to adjust your cognition, but only requires you to "aware of emotions without judgment": for example, when you are angry, objectively observe "Oh, my heartbeat is very fast now, my chest is tight, and my teeth are clenched tightly. I am in a state of anger now." There is no need to scold yourself "This little thing is worth getting angry", and there is no need to force yourself to get rid of your anger immediately. Just look at it. Most of the time, the emotion will slowly subside on its own. A friend of mine who works in psychological counseling said that many people are more and more likely to lose control of their emotions. In essence, they are always fighting against their emotions: the more you say "I can't be angry," the more you focus on your anger, which is equivalent to feeding your emotions with nutrients, making them rise faster. Oh, by the way, there is also the "catharsis school" that was very popular in the early years. They say that when you are angry, you will smash pillows, go to the top of the mountain to shout, and find friends to complain. In recent years, there are different opinions in the academic circles - many studies have confirmed that uncontrolled venting will strengthen the "anger-aggression" neural pathways in the brain. Next time you encounter a similar thing, you will be more likely to lose control. But this method is not completely useless. I have a best friend who has been taught since childhood that "you must be sensible and not lose your temper." She is used to swallowing all her grievances. She even developed breast nodules before. She regularly goes to the boxing gym to hit the punching bag for an hour every week, but her overall condition has improved a lot.

It's interesting to say that I have tried almost all the popular "professional methods", but in the end, the ones I use every day are two little habits that are particularly not "academic". One is to carry mints with you, and pop one when you feel emotional. The few seconds when the cool taste reaches Tianling Gai are just enough to interrupt the path of "trigger event-emotional outburst". I don't need to take a deep breath or sort out my cognition. Such a simple little action has helped me avoid several unnecessary conflicts. The other is the "10-minute rule" that I have figured out by myself. If I encounter something that makes me particularly angry or sad, I allow myself to indulge my emotions for 10 minutes. I can curse a few times if I want to, and shed a few tears if I want to cry. Once the 10 minutes are up, I will solve the problem and do what I need to do. I don't have to force myself to "get better" immediately, nor will I let my emotions drag me into the quagmire. I have also seen people use the "sticky note method". When they are angry, they write down all the words they want to curse in a memo on their mobile phone. After writing this, they feel, "Why was I so childish just now?", and the anger disappears. You see, there is never a universal standard answer. The one that suits you is the best.

I read a paper on positive psychology before, and there is a point in it that I particularly agree with: the biggest misunderstanding many people have about emotion management is that they regard "negative emotions" as bugs that need to be eliminated. Last year, I took on a brand cooperation project. During the early stage of the project, I always felt that there was something wrong with the logic of the needs given by the customer. But at that time, I happened to read an article about "Be positive and optimistic, and don't always convey negative emotions." I swallowed the doubts that came to my lips and thought, "Maybe I am overthinking, so don't cause trouble for everyone." As a result, something went wrong after the project was launched, and I lost hundreds of thousands. Later, when I reviewed the situation, I realized that the "anxiety that something was wrong" at that time was not a "negative emotion" at all. It was my subconscious sending me signals to remind me of risks. I chased the messenger away, and of course the problem would not go away on its own.

Now I haven't become an "emotionally stable adult". Last week, the braised duck wings that I wanted to eat the most were missing from the takeout, so I sat at my workstation depressed for a full ten minutes. I didn’t force myself to be happy right away, so I just drank half a glass of iced Coke and watched two cat videos, and I was fine after ten minutes. There is no perfect way to manage emotions. To put it bluntly, you don’t have to treat your emotions like a scourge and avoid them, nor do you need to treat them like ancestors. Just treat them like a roommate who lives with you: if he is happy and makes a fuss today, you can just join in the fun. ； He slammed the door in frustration today. If you don't want to deal with it, just close the door to your room and give him some space to calm down. Don't take it personally. After getting along for a long time, you will naturally know when he really has something to tell you and when he is just having a little temper. Gradually you will find a comfortable rhythm.