What to do if you have poor emotional regulation ability

The core solution to poor emotional regulation ability is never to suppress emotions, but to let go of the obsession of "I must control my emotions immediately" and allow myself to have emotions first, which is more effective than anything else.

Two years ago, I came into contact with a young girl who worked as a planner for Party B. In the past, she couldn't help but shed tears whenever Party A asked for changes. The more she scolded herself in her heart, "It's useless to cry over such a trivial matter," the more tears fell and she couldn't even speak properly. Later, she tried to change a little habit. The first moment she got emotional, she stopped scolding herself and said silently in her heart, "Oh, I feel wronged now." With just one sentence, most of her tears were shed in one go, and she could follow Party A's words to meet her needs.

Nowadays, the opinions on emotional regulation on the Internet are actually quite divided. One group desperately advocates that "emotional stability is the best match for adults". Showing a little emotion is immature and has low emotional intelligence. It can't wait for people to cultivate to the point where they can't touch all emotions.； The other group also calls for "total acceptance of emotions". If you want to scold, you can throw yourself down. Don't hold it in yourself. Just feel free to do whatever feels right. In fact, both of these statements go to extremes. It's like holding a glass that has just been filled with boiling water in your hand. Gritting your teeth and holding on without letting go is not called emotional stability, but holding on. When the heat becomes unbearable, you will just throw the glass and water out, hurting yourself and others. ； But if you just raise your hand and throw the cup at the person next to you, that’s not accepting yourself. It’s dumping your emotional baggage on innocent people. The most comfortable way is actually very simple. First find a stable place and gently put the cup down. If you still want to drink when the water is colder, you can pick it up again. If you don't want to drink, it doesn't matter if you just pour it.

I myself was rushing for the quarterly report a while ago and stayed up three nights in a row. One morning I went out to catch the subway. It was raining heavily and I stepped on mud. I stood at the door of the subway station and suddenly felt a sore nose. I wanted to squat on the roadside and cry. Before I changed it, I would have slapped myself twice in my heart. I thought it didn't matter how big the deal was. It was too pretentious. That day, I put on my hat and leaned against the wall for two minutes. Instead of scolding myself, I said in my mind, "Oh, you've just been too tired recently. It's not a matter of stepping on the mud." In just two minutes, the panic dissipated. I polished my shoes and went to work. I wasn't affected at all during the meeting, and I didn't spread my bad mood to my colleagues.

Many people have misunderstood the logic of emotional regulation. They think that being able to hold back the fire and swallow the tears means you are powerful. In fact, the emotions you hold back will not disappear out of thin air. They are all stored in the body. The next time you encounter a small thing, it will explode even more than before. The ABC theory of emotions often said in psychology actually talks about this principle. What triggers your emotions is never the event itself, but your subconscious judgment about the matter. If your boss says a few words and you feel "I'm done, he will definitely want to fire me", then the more you think about it, the more you will collapse. But if you separate the matter from the person first, think "He is talking about the plan I handed over this time, not denying me as a person", then most of the tense emotions will be relaxed at once.

In fact, there is really no need to regard emotional regulation as a high-level skill that requires hard work, and there is no need to envy those people who always seem to be calm. Maybe they are just storing their emotions and not having an attack. Take your time, don't ask yourself to become an "emotionally stable adult" all of a sudden. Next time you feel emotional, don't rush to judge yourself "Why are you so useless?", just stop and take an extra second to "see" your current emotions. Even if you just tolerate it for an extra second without saying hurtful words, or even if you just cry for 2 minutes shorter than last time, it is a huge improvement.