Insufficient emotional regulation ability

Insufficient emotional regulation ability is not essentially a "character flaw" or "bad temper" in popular perception, but an intervenable functional shortcoming formed by the joint action of neurodevelopmental foundation, cognitive behavioral habits, and social support system. It does not require self-attack at the moral level, nor is it an innate trait that cannot be changed.

Xiao Xia, a 27-year-old Internet operator I hosted last week, is a typical example. At the department’s weekly meeting, the leader just casually mentioned, “The review data of this event will be further refined.” Her face burned on the spot. She turned and hid in the fire escape and cried for a full half an hour. She submitted her resignation letter as soon as her brain became hot. She went home and looked at the activity plan she had worked on for three nights. She regretted it and shed tears. She scolded herself in the mirror, “Why can’t I be so calm?”

Many people don't know that this "emotionally out of control" reaction has a physiological basis first. Research in the field of neuroscience has long confirmed that human emotional reactions are dominated by the amygdala, and the rational decision-making function belongs to the prefrontal cortex. If you grow up in an environment of high pressure, neglect, and frequent criticism, the amygdala will be trained to be extremely sensitive. It is like a smoke alarm that is adjusted too well. It buzzes when there is a cigarette in the cooking, and the prefrontal lobe has no time to react, and the person has been dragged away by the emotion. There was a visitor who grew up with a bad-tempered father. Now whenever he hears someone raising their voice slightly, even if they are not talking about him, he can instantly clench his hands and get ready to quarrel. This is why.

But it would be a bit lazy to blame all problems on the family of origin and biological basis. This is also the perspective most often mentioned by practitioners of CBT (Cognitive Behavioral Therapy) - most people with weak emotional regulation ability have actually not learned to "disassemble emotions" at all. They only generally feel "I am in a bad mood" and "I am very angry". They cannot distinguish the grievances, anger, shame and uneasiness mixed in the emotions, and naturally cannot find an outlet to deal with them. Let’s talk about Xiao Xia. Her collapse was not because the leader suggested modifications. She worked on the plan after staying up all night for three nights. After the launch, the data was 20% higher than expected. She was waiting to be praised, but the leader did not say a word of approval and made a request first. At that moment, her emotions were wrapped in "My efforts have not been appreciated." "The grievance she saw," "the self-doubt that I didn't do a good enough job," and "the anger that the leader didn't respect my work at all." Several layers of emotions were mixed together. Before she could distinguish them, it directly triggered the core belief she had held since she was a child: "As long as I am not perfect, I am useless." It immediately collapsed.

There is another perspective that is easily overlooked, which comes from the school of systemic family therapy: many people cannot regulate their emotions well. The essence is that they have never seen a template for "correctly regulating emotions" since they were young, and they have never been "caught" by others. When you were a child, you cried when you fell in pain, and your parents said, "Why are you crying over such a trivial matter? You are not allowed to cry." When you were wronged, you lost your temper. Adults said, "Children are so angry. They are ignorant."

Interestingly, the intervention plans given by different schools are completely different, and there is no absolute "standard answer". Consultants with a neuroscience orientation will recommend that you practice the "physiological cooling method" first. Don't bear it when you are emotional. Touch a cold mineral water bottle, go to the bathroom and wash your hands with cold water, or count 3 red objects that you can see in your sight. First, bring the overexcited amygdala back to normal. To be honest, when I am stuck in a traffic jam and feel irritable, I touch the iced coffee at hand. As soon as I get the cool touch, half of the nameless fire is extinguished. Consultants in the CBT school will teach you to do "emotion labeling exercises". Every time you feel an emotion, find a note and write it down clearly: What emotion am I feeling now, how intense is it from 1 to 10, what is the event that triggers me, and what is the first thought that pops up in my mind. Xiaoxia has been practicing for less than two months. Last week, the leader gave her suggestions for revision. Her first reaction was not to shed tears, but to take out a sticky note and write, "Grieved, 7 points, I feel like my efforts have not been seen." After writing, she even laughed and said, "I didn't realize until I finished writing that the leader just wanted to add two data dimensions, and he didn't say that I did a bad job. Why should I panic?" The consultants of the system school may suggest that you first find an "emotional buffer zone" for yourself. You don't have to force yourself to become an emotionally stable adult immediately. First, find one or two friends who can listen to your complaints, or find a reliable counselor. First, experience the feeling of "I lose my temper and shed tears, but I won't be blamed and can be responded to well." Only after you have seen a good template can you learn how to deal with your emotions.

There are actually quite a lot of differences on this matter online. One group says, "Emotional instability is your biggest shortcoming. If you can't change it, no one will want to get along with you." The other group says, "You should let your emotions out freely, and you will get sick if you hold them back." I have seen clients who go to extremes with both of these opinions. There was a girl who forced herself not to lose her temper all year round and swallowed all her emotions. Last year, three thyroid nodules were found in her physical examination. She cried in my clinic with the report and said, "I'm so sensible, why do I still get sick?"” ； There is also a young man who believes in "emotional freedom". When he is unhappy, he gets angry at the people around him. He seduces his girlfriend and best friend. He squats at my door and smokes, saying, "I just can't control it. Why can't they tolerate me?" In fact, there is no black-and-white answer. Emotional regulation is never about completely giving up your emotions, nor is it about treating the people around you as emotional trash cans. To put it bluntly, it is about making you the master of your emotions. It is enough that you can recognize it when it comes, know how to stay with it for a while, and will not be dragged by it to do something you regret.

I saw a little girl in the cafe downstairs last week. She must have been scolded by a customer when she answered the phone. She bit her lip and her eyes were red. After hanging up the phone, she didn't cry or throw the phone. She took three deep breaths out the window, then waved to the waiter and ordered her favorite strawberry hurricane. When she took a big mouthful and stuffed it into her mouth, her eyes were still red, but the corners of her mouth were raised. You see, there are no natural masters of emotional regulation. They are all trained little by little. There is no need to force yourself to get better immediately. Take your time. Even if you calm down one minute earlier than this time when you collapse next time, you will win.