Self-Healing Guide

There is no one-size-fits-all healing formula. The method that suits you best is always "Don't force yourself to get better. See your current emotions first, and then slowly digest them in a way that feels comfortable to you."

Last month, I received a visitor who worked in Internet operations. I stayed up late and worked overtime for half a year, and I broke up with my boyfriend of three years. At the worst point, I felt tired even when I got up to pour a glass of water. She had read a bunch of quick tips for "getting out of a bad mood in 3 days" and forced herself to get up at six o'clock every day to run three kilometers, go home and meditate for 15 minutes, and write three lines of "gratitude diary". As a result, she persisted for half a month and cried harder than before - she felt that she couldn't even do something as simple as "being positive" and was a complete loser.

When I first started consulting, I always wanted to use standardized methods for clients. It wasn’t until I came into contact with more cases that I discovered that the reason why solutions from different schools can be clinically verified is because they are suitable for completely different groups of people. Psychoanalytic counselors will suggest that you go back to the origin of the trauma and catch the emotions that you didn't have time to release at that time: For example, a child who was wrongly accused by his teacher of stealing money when he was a child is always afraid of being questioned when he grows up. If he finds an afternoon and writes down all the grievances that he did not dare to express in a letter, and burns it to his trembling self standing in the corner of the office, this obstacle may be over. However, counselors from the cognitive-behavioral school will feel that there is no need to hold on to the past and repeatedly internalize it. It is more important to adjust the current behavior first: people who fail the postgraduate entrance examination do not need to force themselves to review which steps they made wrong. They go to a pottery class to knead clay for three months. They focus entirely on the soft clay in their hands. If it breaks, they knead it into a ball and start over again. There is no need to worry about "making a mistake", and the mood will naturally relax. There is no distinction between these two ideas at all. It just depends on which one you prefer.

Don't tell me, I've seen too many people impose other people's methods to create obstacles for themselves. It is said on the Internet that "you should find someone to talk to when you are in a bad mood", but for some social friends, if you ask them to talk to others about their feelings, it will be more uncomfortable than asking them to speak in public. I sit at my desk and write a three-page diary, including all the curse words and complaints. After writing, I tear it up and throw it in the trash can. It is much more useful than chatting for three hours. Some people say that "exercise is the best way to heal." But if you force a person who is naturally inactive to run five kilometers, he will be deprived of oxygen and his mind will be filled with "Why did I have to suffer this", which will make him even more anxious. It is better to go downstairs for a ten-minute walk and touch a stray cat lying down in the community. The wind blows and the whole person relaxes.

When my key project failed in the past two years, I also tried a lot of "orthodox" healing methods. In the end, I found that the most useful one was a small habit that was not on the table: taking a detour from get off work every day to buy two yuan of sago at the vegetable market, then going home and slowly boiling the taro and sago dew, turning on low heat and watching the pot simmer. When the bubbles bubbled up, let it cool and sprinkle a spoonful of osmanthus nectar. While drinking, I watched Tom and Jerry for half an hour. I didn't think about any big ideas. I just stared at Tom being made to fly around by Jerry. After laughing, I wiped my mouth and went to sleep. After half a month, the suffocation that had been stuck in my chest suddenly dissipated.

Many people have misunderstandings about self-healing. They believe that healing must be "completely well" and no longer sad, anxious, or internally consumed, in order to be considered successful. Actually, it’s not. This thing is like charging a mobile phone. You don’t have to charge it to 100% every time before you can go out. If you charge it to 30% today to last until you get off work, and if you charge it to 50% tomorrow so you can have a hot pot with friends, you have won. Occasionally, if you have an emotional reaction and stay in bed for two days, watching useless short videos, there is no need to scold yourself for being useless. As long as you are not hurting yourself or disturbing others, lying down is also giving space for emotional buffering, which is essentially a part of healing.

Of course, a reminder: If you have been depressed for more than three months, have affected your normal eating and sleeping, and even caused physical pain, don’t force yourself to heal and go to a professional psychological counselor or psychiatrist. This is not weakness, but responsibility for yourself.

To put it bluntly, self-healing is never an exam that requires full marks. There are no mandatory questions and no standard answers. The best method is what you find comfortable and can give you an extra breath. Don't follow other people's templates.