Self-healing psychological problems

The core of self-healing psychological problems has never been chicken soup goals such as "eliminating negative emotions" or "completely getting rid of the influence of the original family", but learning to live with emotions and gradually rebuilding inner security. There is no universal solution that suits everyone - the premise of all effective methods is that you are willing to see and accept your current imperfect self, and even allow yourself to "get better a little slower".

To be honest, I have been in the psychological mutual aid community for almost four years, and I have met too many people who come with the expectation of "quick cure". What impressed me most was a girl who graduated from 985 and worked in Internet operations. She suffered from insomnia for three consecutive months. Her hands shook and she retched before reporting. She found a bunch of "three-step self-healing methods" on the Internet and forced herself to get up early every day to do mindfulness for half an hour and write two pages of emotional diaries. However, she broke down after a week and cried, "I can't even heal well. I'm such a waste." You see, treating self-healing as another KPI to be completed is another level of consumption on yourself.

In fact, there are many academic opinions and folk methods on self-healing now, and the differences between different schools are quite large. Most psychoanalytic counselors believe that in order to heal, you must first get to the root of your emotions. For example, if you can't help but please your colleagues and don't dare to reject others, it's most likely that you had a childhood experience of "you won't be loved if you don't behave well." If you dig out that unmet need and reconcile with your past self, the problem will naturally be solved. ； However, researchers in the cognitive behavioral school do not agree with this "tracing theory". They think that in many cases, there is no need to dwell on the past, and it is enough to correct the cognitive bias in the present first. For example, if you mess up a project and feel "I can't do anything well," then jot down this idea in your mobile phone, list 10 things you have done before, and refute this absurd conclusion one by one. The more you practice, the less internal friction will naturally occur. No one is right or wrong. Some people just dug out their neglected experiences as children and suddenly reconciled with their people-pleasing personality. There are also people who don’t want to mention things from their childhood at all. They just rely on correcting their extreme thoughts every time, and gradually live a more relaxed life. Whichever one is suitable comes from. Don’t force yourself to recall the painful past when people say that “the family of origin must be healed”, which will cause secondary trauma.

When I had an acute anxiety attack two years ago, I didn't think about tracing my childhood roots. I squatted on the edge of the subway platform, holding a copper key that I had used for five years in my pocket, and counting the seven teeth on it. By the third time, my heart, which was beating fast, slowly stabilized. Later I learned that this method is called grounding technique. To put it bluntly, it brings your chaotic thoughts floating in the air back to the present moment. However, many tutorials on the Internet insist that you touch 5 textures, smell 3 flavors, and listen to 2 sounds. I tried it once specifically, and the more I counted, the more panicked I became. I might as well hold on to my bunch of shiny keys. Really, you don’t have to follow other people’s standard answers. Some people feel calm after touching cat hair, and some people wake up after smelling Fengyoujing. Even if you squat on the roadside and count 10 people wearing white shoes passing by, as long as it can make you feel comfortable in the moment, it is a good method.

Of course, there are a lot of extreme opinions on the Internet, such as "To heal yourself, you need to completely stay away from your family of origin" and "Stop all relationships that make you uncomfortable." I have seen many people copy them and become even more miserable. There was a boy who didn't go home during the Chinese New Year after listening to what was said on the Internet. He blocked the mother who always said that he was not as good as other people's children. As a result, he felt guilty for the entire year and suffered from insomnia for a week. In fact, it was more uncomfortable than going back to have a fight. In fact, many humanistic counselors do not advocate forcible disconnection. After all, not everyone can completely let go of their emotional needs for family. Rather than cutting off forcefully, it is more comfortable to try to draw a boundary first - for example, if your mother urges you to get married again, you don't have to talk to her about the principle of female independence, just say "I know, I'll work hard", and turn around to do what you should do. If she annoys her, you will say less next time, and you don't have to feel guilty for disobeying her. Isn't this less worrying than blackmailing her?

Oh yes, I have to seriously mention that don’t treat self-healing as a panacea. If you can't sleep or eat for more than two weeks in a row, you don't want to do the things you used to love to do now, and you even keep thinking about harming yourself, don't force yourself to do it, go to the local mental health center or find a registered counselor. Self-healing can be an assistant at this time, just like if you have pneumonia, you can't rely on drinking pear water to cure the disease. You should take medicine and consultation when you should. There is really no shame.

A while ago, the girl who forced herself to do mindfulness sent me a message, saying that she had completely given up on those complicated healing plans. She took a detour from get off work to buy a strawberry sundae at a cold drink shop in the old alley, and squatted on the roadside while eating to watch the old man play chess for half an hour. Last week, she slept for eight hours for the first time, and even the migraine that had lasted for half a year was mostly cured. You see, there is no standard answer. No matter how professional other people’s mindfulness tutorials are, they are not as effective as the ice-sweet strawberry sundae in your hand. After all, when it comes to healing, it is only when you feel comfortable that it is truly right.