Dating and Relationships: When to Tell Someone I Have Severe Allergies

There is no absolutely correct time, but based on the real dating experience of hundreds of allergy patients, the most cost-effective window for disclosure is "before and after the third date, before confirming an exclusive relationship" - it will not cause unnecessary pressure to a partner who is not familiar with it prematurely, nor will it cause health risks to oneself by hiding it for too long. It can also avoid the sunk cost of discovering that the two parties are not suitable for each other after the relationship deepens.

I've seen people who just added "severely allergic to peanuts and was admitted to the ICU" as their first sentence in their self-introduction. There are also people who have been dating for almost a year and the two of them live together before they dare to say that they are allergic to cat hair and secretly take antihistamines every day to the cat that their boyfriend has raised for three years.

The logic of the staunch "early talkers" is particularly straightforward: talk early and screen early, and those who are unwilling to accept will pass directly to avoid wasting time. Xiao Ai, a girl I met in 1998, has a level 3 nut allergy. As soon as we sat down for the first time on a blind date, she put the epinephrine pen she brought with her on the table and said with a smile, "I'll give you a vaccination first. I'll go into shock if I touch nuts. I'll have to avoid ordering later. If I collapse suddenly, remember to prick my outer thigh and call 120." Her reason is very straightforward: "If you show timidity when we first meet, it will be even more unreliable if something happens in the future. It's better to screen them out from the beginning." Of course, this method is not without its faults. Last time I saw a boy complaining in a dating community in the same city. When we first met, the girl didn't even say a word about her preferences. She listed three or four allergy precautions. Instantly, I felt as if she was not here for a date, but for an interview with a nanny. I was very fond of him, but on the spot I lost the desire to continue chatting.

On the other hand, if you delay and do not talk about it, the pit you will step on will often be bigger. Aze, a boy in the allergy community, was severely allergic to mangoes. It took him four months to talk about it before he dared to admit it. Just in time for his birthday, his girlfriend made mango mousse for him. He ate half a piece and went to the emergency room that night. The girl couldn't stop crying in the hospital. She blamed herself and was angry at him for not telling him earlier. It took almost two months for the two of them to reconcile, but there was still a knot in their hearts that couldn't be resolved. Not to mention those who are allergic to pet dander and dust mites. After talking about living together for more than half a year, either the other party will give away the pets they have raised for several years, or you will live with allergy medicine every day. No matter what you choose, it will be a waste for both of you.

Why is the optimal window around the third date? Think about it, the first two dates mostly involved eating and visiting solo exhibitions. The two of them are still in the testing stage of each other. They may not even know whether the other party eats coriander. At this time, suddenly saying that he has a serious allergy will inevitably make the other party feel a sudden increase in pressure. ； By the third date, you have basically confirmed that you have a crush on each other and have begun to chat about deeper details of life. It is very natural to mention it at this time - for example, when you order ice cream with chopped nuts, you casually say, "Hey, I don't dare to eat this. My sister didn't eat it last time." "You fed me a mouthful and spent half the night in the emergency room. It was so painful." It not only talks about the seriousness of the allergy, but it doesn't sound like you are making a request to the other party. If the other party pays attention, they will naturally pay attention next time. If they turn around and forget, you can also see early whether this person is reliable.

Of course, there are no hard and fast rules, it depends on the type of allergies you have. If you are the kind of person who is severely allergic to peanuts and buckwheat, which are very easy to appear in your daily diet, and even dust floating in the air can cause shock, then you really need to tell it earlier, even when you make the first dinner reservation, you have to mention "I am super allergic to peanuts, let's find a restaurant that does not serve peanut dishes, otherwise if something happens to me, you will have to take me to the hospital haha." You can make it clear in a half-joking manner, and it will not give people a sense of oppression. If you are allergic to penicillins, cephalosporins, and other allergens that are rarely encountered in daily life, you can just mention it casually later when the topic of medical treatment or buying medicines comes up. There is no need to bring it up right after meeting.

Oh, by the way, there is another misunderstanding that everyone easily avoids: don’t use allergies as a “test tool.” I have seen too many people deliberately not say they are allergic, just waiting to see if the other person will take the initiative to notice. If they don't notice, they will label them as "not loving me enough". This is purely making fun of their own lives and is really unnecessary. In the final analysis, informing you of your allergy is not essentially asking for care from the other person. It is about two people avoiding risks together. If you make it clear, the other person will not have to bear the guilt of inadvertently putting you in the hospital, and you will not need to be constantly worried about being attacked. It is good for everyone.

Finally, don’t worry too much about the timing. If you really feel embarrassed to speak out, even if you put the first aid kit and antihistamines you brought with you on a conspicuous place on the table during the date, you can just explain it smoothly when the other party asks, and do whatever makes you feel comfortable. After all, love is a process in which two people gradually adapt to each other. If they can't get along with something as small as allergies, it will be difficult to go on in the long run if they encounter bigger problems in the future, right?